The Ultimate Marriage and Relationship Jokes Collection
Welcome to our comprehensive collection of marriage and relationship jokes. We’ve gathered over 80 jokes covering every aspect of marriage and relationship humor.
Short Marriage and Relationship Jokes
1. Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the grocery store?” until one of you dies.
2. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
3. My husband and I have a happy marriage. We have the same sense of humor and we both can’t stand our children!
4. I asked my wife to let me know the next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
5. Marriage: when dating goes too far.
6. I asked my partner what they wanted for dinner. They said, “Surprise me.” So I took them to a divorce lawyer.
7. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward!
8. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
9. My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry. We’ll just sit up and fight.
10. Behind every angry woman stands a man who has no idea what he did wrong.
11. My husband is a permanent resident in the dog house — at least the rent is cheaper!
12. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade!
13. A husband asked his wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” He replied, “Okay, nothing it is!”
14. Love is sharing your popcorn… until they take the last piece.
15. If you want to know the secret of a happy marriage, just remember: it’s all about compromise… mostly on what to watch on Netflix.
16. My wife said she needed more space. I told her to keep her hands off my side of the bed, then!
17. The four most important words in a marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”
18. My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids. If we did, we’d have to pay for their food.
19. I told my spouse I wanted to be cremated. They made a joke about doing it in their sleep!
20. My wife said she would leave me if I didn’t stop making bad puns. I said, “That’s a pun-ishment I can’t bear!”
21. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.
22. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine. We just get better with age. She said I’m just getting older and stuck in a cellar!
23. I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.
24. A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
25. When we first got married, I thought my wife loved my sense of humor. Now I’m not so sure… she never laughs anymore!
26. Why do married people live longer? They can’t argue with their partner if they’re dead!
27. I don’t mind getting old with my spouse, but I hope she doesn’t hold me to it!
28. My wife said the best thing about me is that I have no regrets. I told her that’s not true; I regret not buying a bigger TV!
29. They say that marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning!
30. I told my partner they were the “potato” of my life. They asked if that meant I couldn’t live without them. No, it means I could butter them up anytime!
Medium Marriage and Relationship Jokes
1. After years of marriage, my wife asked me to describe her in just one word. I said, “expensive!” Now she’s mad. Good thing we have separate bank accounts!
2. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. My spouse is constantly amazed at how quickly I can finish the leftovers she saves for later!
3. One day after coming home from work, I found my wife crying on the couch. I asked what was wrong. “I’m not feeling loved anymore!” she said. So I told her a joke. It was either laughter or crying; I figured the choice was easy!
4. A wife told her husband, “You need to start listening to me more!” He replied, “I do listen, honey, I just forget the words!” Not the smartest move, but hey — at least I tried!
5. My wife told me I was too dependent on technology. So I unplugged the TV and used the remote to make my popcorn instead!
6. During a dinner party, a woman asked an older couple the secret to their long marriage. “We never argue,” the husband replied. “When we have a disagreement, I just give her the silent treatment until she agrees with me.” That’s a love language if I’ve ever seen one!
7. When I asked my spouse why she always takes so long to get ready for outings, she replied, “Because I want to look good!” So I told her I want to look good too; that usually speeds things up!
8. My wife says I can’t stop making bad dad jokes. I said, “That’s un-fatherly!” Now she won’t stop rolling her eyes; it’s a win-win!
9. After my husband and I had our first big fight, he surprised me by getting tickets to my favorite concert. I was so touched! I couldn’t believe how guilty he felt — until I found out he bought them before we even fought!
10. I asked my wife what her dream car was. She said, “A luxury SUV!” So I surprised her with a Stroller-Van. Close enough, right?
11. Marriage isn’t about finding a person you can live with; it’s about finding a person you can’t live without… and having them outlast your snoring!
12. A friend of mine told me he thought his marriage was like a deck of cards. At first, they agreed on hearts, but now it feels like they’re just playing poker! I’m glad I play Go Fish!
13. I always tell my partner we have a perfect marriage! I cook, and he does everything else. Guess who cooks like a pro?
14. My wife said she’s going to start a diet. I told her the freezer is great for preserving food! She didn’t think it was a supportive response; I thought it was practical!
15. I once asked my spouse if she would ever cheat on me. She said, “Of course not! You’re my favorite!” And that’s how I know I’ve got a keeper!
16. They say that couples start to look alike after years of marriage. I’m just glad my spouse still looks fantastic; I need to step up my game!
17. I tried to get my husband to take running classes. He said, “Why run away from problems when we can just sit here and eat snacks?” Fair point, but have I mentioned those snacks are not so great for running?
18. My partner said she wished I were more spontaneous. So I decided to surprise her with a home-cooked dinner! She was impressed — for 5 minutes until I burned everything!
19. After twenty years of marriage, my wife said it was her turn to drive. I said, “Okay, but do you need a map?” She replied, “I’ve got GPS now, we’re golden!”
20. They say true love is blind. I thought it meant not noticing that I left the dishes unwashed — turns out it’s just a different interpretation!
21. My partner started giving me compliments on my cooking skills. I told her it’s because I’m still mastering microwave popcorn and instant noodles! The journey never ends!
22. Marriage is about being willing to have deep conversations while simultaneously debating whether to watch Netflix or Hulu!
23. I complimented my partner on her new haircut. She said, “Thanks! I just wanted something fresh!” So I said, “Good job! Let’s find something fresh to eat!” Not the reaction she expected!
24. One evening I surprised my wife with a candlelight dinner. She asked if I’d cook it or if it was takeout; I said it was my ‘surprise’ take on dining experience!
25. When I proposed, I said, “I promise to always support you.” That’s true, especially during our binge-watching marathons — I’m a loyal couch potato!
26. My wife says I’m a pro at fixing things around the house. Really, I’m just really good at glue and band-aids!
27. Couples therapy works wonders! I’ve learned to listen… to my spouse’s complaints, especially about my bad puns!
28. I told my spouse I’m looking forward to being old together. She said, “Yeah, as long as you promise to be awake for the doctor’s appointments!”
29. Every year on our anniversary, I remind my husband how lucky he is to have me! This year, he was speechless—and that’s how I know I married a winner!
30. My wife claims I always forget birthdays. I don’t forget; I choose to celebrate them late… that’s my idea of living on the edge!
Long Marriage and Relationship Jokes Stories
1. One day, I noticed my wife was in a bad mood. I asked her what was wrong. She said, “I feel like I’m just here to remind you to put your socks in the hamper.” I thought for a moment and replied, “At least you’re a professional sock-wrangler!” She burst out laughing, and we ended up having a great evening sorting laundry together!
2. I decided to surprise my husband with his favorite meal for dinner. I spent hours researching the perfect recipe, only to burn it just as he walked in. He looked devastated. I quickly said, “Dinner’s served — charred and crispy!” He laughed so hard he gave me a hug, saying he’d never felt more appreciated for his cooking skills!
3. My wife insisted on taking a cooking class together, so we enrolled. On the first day, I proudly proclaimed, “I’ll handle the fire!” The instructor looked concerned; I thought it was a comment on my skills. In the end, my burnt soufflé became a running joke for our classes, but at least we both learned how to burn toast together!
4. One day, I noticed my husband scrolling through his phone for hours. I asked him what was so interesting. He casually mentioned, “I’m just checking out our wedding video.” I was puzzled and said, “What? Why?” He replied, “It’s the best reminder of why I live in fear of forgetting anniversaries!” Touché!
5. My spouse surprised me with a romantic getaway after years of not spending time together. I was overjoyed until we got lost for hours in the car. I jokingly said, “Looks like we’ve taken a scenic detour to our next argument!” We eventually found our way, and the detour turned into the best part of our trip!
6. The first time we tried to put up furniture together, it turned into a “who can be the quietest” contest. I kept dropping screws. My wife shouted, “How hard can it be?” After hours of bickering over who misplaced the Allen wrench, we finally put the furniture together and realized: it was missing a leg! Now we have a unique table with wobbly character!
7. I bought my husband a fancy new wallet for his birthday. He thanked me but said it was too nice for a “married man.” I said, “You can still pretend like you have your own money!” We both laughed, and he decided to start keeping his credit cards in just one compartment instead of all his ‘couple spending’ accounts!
8. One winter, my wife and I decided to build a snowman. I had a whole army of snowmen planned out. When she fell down trying to grab the last carrot for the nose, I burst out laughing. She said, “Watch me roll this snowball and you’ll know why I have all the snowmen!” We ended up with a family of lumpy, carrot-nosed snow creatures that we adored!
9. During an anniversary dinner, I managed to spill red wine all over the table. I was mortified, but my wife grabbed the napkin, looked into my eyes, and said, “Let’s pretend it was part of the meal!” We spent the evening sharing embarrassing moments, and by the end, we were crying from laughter—not from wine stains!
10. My husband and I went hiking and got lost. I suggested we try using my smartphone GPS to get back. He jokingly replied, “You mean the app you downloaded two years ago?” I hit the home button and noticed it hadn’t worked since it froze! We embraced the adventure and ended up bonding over random GPS signals!
11. One evening, we decided to watch a movie together. Ten minutes in, I said, “This isn’t as funny as I remembered!” My husband replied, “That’s because now you have me for comic relief!” We paused the movie and turned it into our own stand-up show, making each other laugh far more than the film could!
12. The first time my wife cooked for my parents, she was nervous. I told her they were going to love whatever she made. She brought out her specialty—spaghetti—which my mother graciously complimented. I said, “Two levels of pasta perfection!” My wife looked stunned, and we both laughed when it turned into a pasta joking contest!
13. One night at dinner with friends, I tried to explain how marriage works. “You know, it’s about understanding our different snack preferences.” My husband chimed in, “Exactly! Hers is sweet, and mine is savory!” Everyone laughed, but we ended up arguing over who picked the snack basket last and realizing that gifting pretzels is the real power move!
14. I decided to try yoga to relieve stress. During a couple class, my husband came along for the ride. He kept fumbling with his poses, and I laughed when he humorously complained, “I’m sorry, but I’m more comfortable being a couch potato!” We both laughed so hard that we signed up for a comedy class instead!
15. After an intense, chaotic week of work and kids, I decided to cook a fancy meal. The fire alarm went off while I was flipping pancakes! My husband burst into the kitchen, holding a spoon, saying, “The fire brigade didn’t respond—so I came to your rescue!” Our pancakes were the only thing that flopped, but we both ended up laughing while cleaning afterward!
16. When we decided to buy a new car, my husband presented a whole spreadsheet of options and pricing. I said, “You could promote that level of organization to the wedding planner!” He went on about spreadsheets being the best way to make decisions—and I realized I would have to drive our choice for the next decade. It became an interesting talk every time we drove it!
17. I attempted to serenade my spouse for her birthday, and it quickly turned into a comedy routine. We laughed so hard that we forgot about dinner! I ended up taking her out for pizza instead, which became our new favorite birthday tradition—pizza and laughter!
18. While quoting lines from our wedding vows, I decided to incorporate our latest inside jokes. My wife burst out laughing and said, “Your vows were all over the place!” It turned into a hilarious night of joking about how we’d rewrite them now. A reminder that love is a comedy act!
19. On a lazy Sunday, I announced, “From now on, every time we shower together, we’ll get a coupon for dinner out!” My husband laughed, but I swore it was a great plan. Soon after, he asked, “So what’s stopping us now?” I realized that both scheduling and coupons were just adulting rules, and we embrace both now!
20. I was planning a surprise dinner date for my anniversary. As I rushed through the kitchen trying to cook, the smoke alarm became my biggest enemy. When my spouse arrived, I had the kitchen in chaos but a cute table set in the living room. She laughed, saying, “Who knew a burnt meal could lead to a Romantic Dinner and Dessert?”
This concludes our collection of jokes about marriage and relationships. Remember, laughter is the best glue keeping a marriage together! Enjoy!