The Ultimate Lawyer and Courtroom Jokes Collection
Welcome to our comprehensive collection of lawyer and courtroom jokes. We’ve gathered over 80 jokes covering every aspect of lawyer and courtroom humor.
Short Lawyer and Courtroom Jokes
Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? Because cats keep trying to bury them in the sand!
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances? Retired.
How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
Why did the lawyer break up with his girlfriend? He found her too objectionable!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink? Subpoena colada!
How does a lawyer sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue!
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice!
What do you get when you cross a bad lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles!
Why did the lawyer carry a ladder? To reach the high billable hours!
What does a lawyer do after a divorce? He collects his alimony… in installments!
Why did the judge go to art school? He wanted to learn how to draw a fair verdict!
What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t steal? Unemployed.
Why did the lawyer sleep with a ruler? To see how long he slept!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucking creature, the other is a fish.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one too!
Why did the lawyer cross the road? To sue the chicken on the other side!
What do lawyer and courtroom jokes have in common? They both are usually a lot funnier in the courtroom!
How do you tell if a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving!
Why did the lawyer help the frog with his case? The frog had a great jump to conclusions!
What’s the difference between an honest lawyer and a unicorn? Nothing, they both don’t exist!
What’s a lawyer’s favorite game? Suits!
What did the lawyer say to his client? Don’t worry—I charge a lot, but I’ll pay for the drinks!
Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy!
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bad actor? The bad actor may eventually get a role!
How do lawyers greet each other? “I’ll sue you!”
Why do lawyers wear ties? To keep the foreskin from creeping up.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company!
Medium Lawyer and Courtroom Jokes
Two lawyers were at a bar arguing about who was the better lawyer. One lawyer said, “I can make my clients’ money disappear.” The other lawyer replied, “That’s nothing! I can make all my clients disappear!”
A lawyer gets called to the bar. Upon arrival, he finds everyone in the room laughing. “What’s so funny?” he asks. A bartender replies, “We’re watching a lawyer trying to add two plus two!”
A prosecutor stood up and said, “Your Honor, I wish to dismiss the case.” The judge replied, “Why?” The prosecutor responded, “Because I just read the police report, and I realized the defendant can count to ten!”
A client walked into a law office and asked, “How much do you charge for just a consultation?” The lawyer replied, “$200.” The client looked shocked and said, “That’s a lot!” The lawyer calmly responded, “I know. If you paid me with jokes, I’d laugh all the way to the bank!”
A judge was hearing a case where a woman tried to sue for her husband’s negligence. He asked her, “Did you ever tell your husband he was neglecting you?” She replied, “Of course, Tuesday nights, all the time!”
The firm was having a meeting, and the boss asked, “What’s our motto?” One junior partner replied, “Innocent until proven broke!”
A young lawyer was trying a case. The opposing attorney approached him and said, “You’re going to lose.” The young lawyer smirked and replied, “Well, at least I’m only losing my case, you’re losing your dignity, you prehistoric dinosaur!”
During a courtroom recess, a juror asked his fellow juror, “What is your occupation?” He said, “I’m a lawyer.” The juror responded, “Excuse me for not understanding! I thought you only specialized in being annoying!”
During a divorce proceeding, the wife was asked, “What are your reasons for divorce?” She replied, “Deceit, betrayal, and one sandwich too many!”
A lawyer was cross-examining a block of ice when he asked, “Is it true that you’re cold?” The ice replied, “Only when you’re not around!”
A lawyer interviewed a woman applying to be his assistant. He asked her, “What are your qualifications?” She replied, “I can type and look attractive.” He smirked and said, “You’re perfect, can you also do my paperwork?”
During a trial, the defendant said, “Your Honor, I didn’t rob the bank, I just borrowed some money with every intention to pay it back!” The judge smirked and replied, “Sure, that’s what all tape recorders say!”
A lawyer stood before the judge and said, “Your Honor, my client is in a serious financial crisis.” The judge replied, “I can see that. You should borrow his book on financial responsibility!”
A defendant walked into the courtroom and shouted, “I’m innocent!” The judge raised an eyebrow, “Of what?” The defendant replied, “Of being guilty of the charges against me!”
A lawyer walked into the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender filled his glass to the top, and the lawyer exclaimed, “Why is this not half-full?” The bartender smiled, “That’s the way it works in the law profession; you’re always in the right!”
During a case involving a finding of evidence, the lawyer exclaimed, “Your Honor, I can prove that my client is innocent or just too guilty for words!”
A judge asked a defendant, “What have you to say for yourself?” The defendant replied, “I’m sorry I did it, Your Honor.” The judge replied, “Sorry? Sorry doesn’t count in court, Mr. Simmer!”
A woman walked into a courtroom, and the judge declared, “Are you the defendant?” She replied, “No, I’m the lawyer!” The judge raised an eyebrow, “Well, then you just put the ‘defend’ in defendant!”
Long Lawyer and Courtroom Jokes Stories
One day, a rookie lawyer entered a courtroom ready for his first case. As he nervously stood before the judge, he introduced himself and fumbled through his notes. The judge, noticing his anxiousness, asked, “Do you need a lawyer?” The courtroom erupted in laughter, and the rookie quickly gained some confidence. He answered, “No, Your Honor, I’m just here to represent my client, who clearly needs one!”
A lawyer was in court presenting a case about a stolen painting. He dramatically asked the jury, “Would you believe it if I told you that the suspect disappeared into thin air?” As he said that, a pigeon flew into the window and knocked him out of the way, causing a ruckus. The jury burst into laughter, and the lawyer seized the moment, “See! Even the bird knows how to escape a case here!”
A seasoned lawyer had seen it all, or so he thought. During a particularly tense trial, the opposing attorney accused him of trickery. The lawyer smiled and responded, “Trickery? I prefer to call it creative retelling!” Much to everyone’s surprise, the judge nodded and said, “I never knew lying could be a nuanced art form!”
A lawyer had a reputation for being tough. In one trial, the other side managed to stump him with unexpected witnesses. The lawyer stood up and declared, “Your Honor, it’s unfair to have so many people in this courtroom who are not my clients!” The judge couldn’t help but laugh as he responded, “You may not have them as clients, but apparently, they all have you under their support!”
A lawyer was defending a man accused of stealing. He wrapped up his closing remarks dramatically, stating, “My client didn’t steal that car; he merely… borrowed it without intention to return. And in that philosophy, your Honor, who among us can’t relate?” The judge chuckled, saying, “A great point! But your client should have used a more convincing approach!”
Two lawyers met for coffee after a long week of trials. One said, “You know, we work hard for our clients, but we should start a podcast about our profession.” The other lawyer replied, “Sure! But let’s not forget to put ‘lawyer’ in quotes on the cover; we’re just ‘lawyering!’”
In one courtroom, a lawyer tried to impress everyone with his incredible case. He passionately declared, “Your Honor, justice is on my side!” The judge grinned and replied, “Then it better hurry up; we’re all waiting on it!”
A lawyer went to a therapist complaining about his workload. He said, “Doc, I feel like I mountain of cases is weighing me down!” The therapist replied, “Have you considered taking clients on a case-by-case basis? A lighter load might help clear your mind!”
During a trial, the lawyer boldly proclaimed, “I’ve found the evidence that can set my client free!” The judge raised an eyebrow. “Well, how about you find some time to file that evidence appropriately first?” The courtroom erupted with laughter!
A young law student was excited for his first internship. He shadowed a lawyer and quickly realized every day was spent arguing. One day, he asked, “Do people round up for pocket change?” The lawyer smiled and said, “Only when they forget it in the court’s vicinity!”
A lawyer reflecting on his career told his friend, “I’ve had to defend all kinds of strange cases.” His friend replied, “What’s the strangest?” The lawyer sighed and said, “It was a man trying to sue himself for emotional damages.”
In the middle of a serious trial, the opposing lawyer stood up and said, “Your Honor, I object to my opponent’s argument! It’s a bit too far-fetched!” The judge smiled and replied, “I didn’t know movies were being made in my courtroom!”
A lawyer asked his client one day, “Why did you hire me?” The client replied, “Because you made me laugh during the consultation.” The lawyer chuckled and responded, “Exactly. I always say laughter is the best defense in court!”
A lawyer was about to give a speech at a legal conference. He stood up and said, “Today we will be diving into the intricacies of the law!” Suddenly, mid-sentence, he lost his train of thought and said, “Uh, and… what I meant is, there are many laws, some of which escape even our greatest minds!” The audience laughed, and he smiled, dodging embarrassment!
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and stated, “I want full custody of my dog in the divorce.” The lawyer, trying to suppress laughter, said, “Let’s try to keep things civil. You know dogs are more expensive than kids nowadays!”
A judge was about to announce the verdict when he noticed the defendant crying. He said, “Don’t worry; it’s only life in prison!” The defendant replied, “I’m not crying because I’m going to prison; I’m crying because my lawyer forgot to show up!”