The Ultimate One-liner jokes Jokes Collection
Welcome to our comprehensive collection of One-liner jokes jokes. We’ve gathered over 80 jokes covering every aspect of One-liner jokes humor.
Short One-liner jokes Jokes
1. I told my friend I was going to start a band called 999 Megabytes — we still haven’t got a gig!
2. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
3. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
4. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
5. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
6. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
7. I told my computer I needed a break, and it froze!
8. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
9. I’d tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
10. The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran.
11. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
12. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
13. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
14. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!
15. I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
16. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
17. I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
18. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.
19. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will let it go!
20. I’m not great at math, but I know that two wrongs don’t make a right, but three rights make a left.
21. I have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it.
22. A will is a dead giveaway.
23. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!
24. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
25. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
26. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
27. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug!
28. I don’t want to believe that I’m a pessimistic person, but I’m afraid I’ll always be disappointed.
29. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
30. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Medium One-liner jokes Jokes
1. I walked into a bar with a giraffe. The bartender says, “What’ll it be?” I said, “Two beers for me, and one for the giraffe.” The giraffe stands up and walks out. The bartender says, “Hey, where’s he going?” I replied, “That’s not a lion; that’s just my tall friend!
2. My friend asked me if I wanted to be a part of his ballet. I told him no thanks, I prefer to keep my pirouettes in the kitchen!
3. The other day, I bought a new GPS. The very first thing it said was, “You have arrived.” I figured out they were wrong when I found myself lost in a cornfield!
4. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade…”
5. I was at a restaurant, and the waiter asked if I wanted to hear their soup of the day. I said, “Sure, as long as it’s not Chicken Noodle with a side of disappointment.”
6. A traffic cop stopped me for speeding. I said, “I wasn’t speeding, just walking really fast!”
7. My therapist said time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him! Now we wait.
8. Working at the orange juice factory was great, but my boss said I lacked concentration. So, I got myself some juice glasses!
9. I decided to get a brain transplant, but finally changed my mind. After all, that’s the last thing I need—more problems!
10. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
11. The doctor said my back is broken, so I went to the gym. I found out how to do a “backbone” — lots of stretches!
12. I went to buy some camo pants, but couldn’t find any.
13. I was going to tell you a joke about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
14. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
15. I went to a restaurant the other night and ordered a chicken salad— but all they had was a “No chicken” salad. So I guess that’s where all the chickens went!
16. I just got a new job at a bakery, but my boss is really flaky.
17. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space!
18. My math teacher called me average. How mean!
19. I told my friend I was going to become a yoga instructor, but now I feel myself stretching the truth!
20. I brought a spoon to the cereal party, but they said it was a “fork-only” event. Guess I brought the wrong utensils!
21. You know you’re getting old when your candles cost more than your cake.
22. I had a great joke about an elevator, but it’s an uplifting experience!
23. When I put my seatbelt on, I feel like I’m giving myself a hug. Unfortunately, it’s like a squeeze-bear hug!
24. I bought a ceiling fan the other day. And now I’m looking forward to opening a fan shop… because fan is not allowed!
25. You know you’re getting older when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be asked about your age!
26. I started watching a series about gardening, but it only grows on me!
27. My dad just told me an onion is a type of vegetable. What a pungent surprise!
28. The librarian told me not to tell jokes about books, but I guess that’s just how I roll with the pages!
29. I went to a flea market the other day, but I still didn’t find a good deal. I guess that’s the “flea” market experience!
30. I was at a sports bar when they started throwing darts in my direction. Talk about targeting a “bull’s-eye!”
Long One-liner jokes Stories
1. One day, a guy decided to impress his friends with his cooking. He set up a long table and invited everyone over for dinner. As he started chopping ingredients, he was taking one dramatic step after another, declaring each cut with an exaggerated sound. “Chop, chop, chop! Stir, stir, stir!” His friends laughed at his silly actions. Just when he thought he was nailing it, he accidentally flipped the pan, and the stir-fry landed on a friend’s plate— and he exclaimed, “Well, at least now, it’s a ‘pan-derful’ dish!”
2. A teacher was explaining the difference between a mathematician and an astronomer. The mathematician, she said, calculates everything down to the decimals. The astronomer, on the other hand, simply gazes at the stars. Later that day, a bright student asked, “But what if the mathematician looks up and calculates the distance to the stars?” The teacher replied, “Well, that sounds like a stellar job!”
3. At a family reunion, Uncle Bob shows up wearing the most ridiculous shirt anyone has ever seen. It was a bright yellow with blue polka dots. Every time someone pointed it out, he would proudly say, “This shirt? It’s my statement!” After a while, his cousin said, “A statement? More like a ‘fashion faux pas!’” Bob laughed and responded, “Come on, we’re here to make memories, not trends! Besides, at least you’ll remember ME!”
4. Last week, I decided to take up jogging for my New Year’s resolution. I woke up determined to hit the track early in the morning. I geared up, tied my laces, and went for a run. About two blocks away, I was out of breath, panting and feeling like a marathon runner who lost his race. Suddenly, a cyclist flew past me, and I yelled, “Hey, wait for me!” He turned around and said, “I would, but I’m not running a ‘follow the leader’ kind of event!”
5. It was a rainy day, and I found myself stuck inside. I decided to try baking cookies for the first time. After mixing the dough and making a mess everywhere, I placed them in the oven. As I waited, the aroma started filling the air. My cat, intrigued by the delicious smell, jumped onto the counter. I sighed, looking at my half-baked creations and said, “You better not be planning a ‘paws-itively’ terrible heist!”
6. At a recent wedding, the couple had an open mic for guests to share the best love advice. Uncle Pete grabbed the mic first and said, “When you argue, remember to start with ‘I love you,’ and end with ‘I’m sorry!’” Big smiles filled the room. Just then, Aunt Judy chimed in, “But the art of negotiation? Just toss in a pizza; that’s how our relationship stays spicy!”
7. A guy at a gym was having a real struggle lifting weights. He grunted and frowned while trying to impress a woman nearby. She watched with a mix of sympathy and amusement. Finally, he shouted, “Just you wait! I may not lift much now, but I will be bench pressing before long!” The woman smiled and said, “I believe in you! But let’s not forget there’s a ‘heavy load’ of determination needed!”
8. I once went on a stealth mission to sneak snacks into the movies. I packed popcorn, candy, and even a drink in my oversized jacket. Confidently, I walked to the ticket booth. The attendant eyed my strange bulkiness and asked, “What are you hiding?” I smiled and replied, “Just helping my snacks avoid a ‘popping’ encounter with movie prices!”
9. My friend decided to adopt a pet chicken after reading about a backyard farm trend. He named it “Cluck Norris.” Daily, he took it out for walks, and neighbors were confused. One day, a neighbor asked, “Is that a chicken you’re walking?” My friend smiled and said, “Yeah! And I’m just waiting for it to ‘egg-ceed’ my expectations with its bravery!”
10. At a soup kitchen, a volunteer decided to spice things up with creative names for their soups. “This one is called ‘Minestrone Madness,’ and that one is ‘Chickpea Challenge!’” After serving several bowls, a guest chuckled and said, “I expected soup but got a full-on title showdown!” The volunteer grinned, “Well, sometimes it’s all about creating a ‘souper’ story, right?”
11. During a camping trip, a group decided to roast marshmallows. As they gathered around the fire, one friend declared, “I’ll bet I can roast the biggest marshmallow here!” After placing an extravagant marshmallow on the stick, it puffed up remarkably. Another friend joked, “Wow, that’s a ‘puff-tacular’ performance!” They all burst into laughter as it almost turned into a hybrid between marshmallow and cloud!
12. In art class, the instructor told everyone to paint their feelings. A student created a vibrant landscape of a rainbow. When the teacher asked what it represented, the student said, “The joy of my vacation!” Another student had painted a dark stormy sky, and when asked about it, he replied, “That’s just how I feel before exams!” The teacher shrugged, “Ah, a ‘moody masterpiece’ I see!”
13. I went to an escape room with friends, and we were told we only had an hour to solve it. As the clock ticked down, we were frantically searching for clues. Someone finally shouted, “I found the key!” Everyone cheered, but they realized it was the key to the staff room. The volunteer outside grinned and said, “Well, you guys sure unlocked an ‘employee of the month’ moment!”
14. Last Halloween, I dressed up as a ghost and went to a party. I tried to float through the house while spooking everyone along the way. Someone asked if ghosts could actually float, and I said, “Only when they’re on a ‘spook-tacular’ mission!”
15. During a tasting event, a chef was showcasing their special sauce. As they poured it on a dish, they said, “And here we have our secret sauce!” A skeptical diner asked, “What makes it so secret?” The chef grinned and replied, “Well, if I told you, it would no longer be ‘sauce for concern!’”
16. My friend decided to take art classes because she’s always had an eye for design. When her first project was a portrait of her cat, she exclaimed, “I call this ‘Purr-fectly Captured!’” When it didn’t quite turn out as planned, a classmate pointed and said, “Looks like a ‘cat-astrophe’ in progress!”
17. While hiking up a mountain, we noticed a sign for a “Yeti Sightings” tour. One of my friends joked, “How do we know what a Yeti is supposed to look like?” Another replied, “Well, it’s all about the ‘mysterious must-haves!’” Resulting in a laugh as we forged ahead.
18. In a pet store, a man was trying to choose a fish. He couldn’t decide between a vibrant betta and a humble goldfish. The store owner laughed, “What do you need? A fish with personality or just a swimming decoration?” The man smiled back, “Well, one’s a ‘fin-tastic’ conversation starter, while the other’s a ‘gold standard’!”
19. I attempted yoga for the first time and could hardly hold the poses. In my “downward dog,” I fumbled and fell over. The instructor smiled and said, “Don’t worry, even dogs take their time to learn!” To which I replied, “Is that a ‘paw-sitive’ way of saying I’ve just flopped?”
20. While playing cards in a game night, my friend tried to bluff. He put down an outrageous hand. I looked at him and said, “You can’t fool me; that’s an ‘ace-in-the-hole!’” The laughter rolled around the room, and the humor only got better from there.