The Ultimate Husband and Wife Jokes Collection
Welcome to our comprehensive collection of Husband and wife jokes. We’ve gathered over 80 jokes covering every aspect of husband and wife humor.
Short Husband and Wife Jokes
1. Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue with their spouse if they’re dead!
2. My husband and I have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, and enjoy each other’s company. He goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays!
3. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She said, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I got her nothing!
4. Marriage is like a deck of cards: in the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ll be looking for a club and a spade!
5. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down!
6. “Honey, do you remember our wedding vows?” “Of course! You promised to love me forever, and I promised to pretend to like your cooking!”
7. I told my husband he wasn’t allowed to make any more bad puns. He said, “That’s just pun-acceptable!”
8. Why did the couple go to couples therapy? They needed a “fee” to help them “couple” with their issues!
9. My wife asked me to stop singing “Under Pressure.” I said, “Okay, I’ll try, but it’s hard to do!”
10. They say marriage requires a bond, but between us, it’s more like a collection of duct tape and Super Glue!
11. A husband asked his wife, “What do you want for breakfast?” She said, “A little affection.” He said, “Okay, you’ll have cereal!”
12. Why don’t married people play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when you’ve already been found in the laundry room!
13. My husband just found out I swapped our bed for a trampoline. He’s really bouncing off the walls now!
14. I told my wife that I made a new friend at work, and she asked, “Is she pretty?” I said, “No, but she’s quite intelligent!”
15. Why do husbands always seem to forget anniversaries? Because it’s one day they can’t “wife” their way out of!
16. I can always tell when my husband is lying because his lips are moving!
17. My wife said I should be more in touch with my feminine side. So now I also use both sides of the bed!
18. Marriage is an institution! And who wants to live in an institution?
19. I told my husband that he should start wearing a belt. He said, “Why? It’s not like we’re planning to go any place fancy!”
20. How does a husband politely ask for things? “Honey, can I please have… Oh, forget it, I’ll get it myself!”
21. A man asked his wife to stop using the smartphone while cooking. She replied, “I’m not cooking; I’m just looking at recipes!”
22. My wife said she’s had it with my obsession with golf. I said, “I don’t think you’re being fair. My game is always on par!”
23. I told my wife I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep. She said, “Just like my grandfather did, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car!”
24. They say two is company and three is a crowd. I guess that’s why my wife invited all her friends over for tea without telling me!
25. I told my wife that I was going to design my own home office. She said, “That’ll be plenty of room for all your unproductive thoughts!”
26. My wife thinks I should clean up. I said, “I’m just creating a ‘lived-in’ look!”
27. What’s the best way to make your husband stand up during dinner? Just tell him your mother is coming to visit!
28. How do you keep your husband from getting all the remote controls? You name one after his ex-girlfriend!
29. When it comes to my wife’s shopping habits: It’s a shopping spree, not a spending spree!
30. I asked my husband to pick a movie for us to watch. He said, “How about ‘Boring Love Stories III’? I heard it’s a real tearjerker!”
Medium Husband and Wife Jokes
1. My wife and I decided we don’t want kids. If we wanted to hear a lot of noise and wake up all night, we would’ve just bought a puppy!
2. The other night, my wife asked me what I would like to have for dinner. I jokingly said “Tacos.” She then rolled her eyes and said, “I thought we agreed on pizza.” I replied, “Fine, if you want it, we’ll have it your way. Just don’t taco ’bout it later!”
3. A husband was having a chat with his wife: “Do you think I’m a bad husband?” She said, “Well, it’s a good thing you asked before dinner.” He replied, “See? I’m already improving!”
4. One day, my wife burst into tears while washing dishes. I panicked and asked what was wrong. She replied, “You never help out anymore!” I smiled and said, “That’s because I thought you enjoyed your chores as much as I enjoy my hobbies!”
5. While cooking, my wife asked me to chop some onions. I said, “Only if you don’t mind some tears!” She said, “As long as they’re not mine, it’s all good!”
6. My husband likes to play games on his tablet. I told him the other day, “You know, it wouldn’t hurt to interact with people face-to-face.” He grinned and said, “But I do! I talk to my characters all the time!”
7. My wife once asked if I’d help with taxes this year. I replied, “Sure, I’ll deduct my time helping you from your marital allowance!”
8. The first time I asked my wife for a favor, she said, “You’re going to regret this!” I replied, “I can’t regret something that hasn’t happened yet!”
9. During a dinner conversation, my wife said, “Can we talk about more meaningful subjects?” I said, “Sure, who was your favorite Teletubby?” She rolled her eyes and said, “That’s not what I meant!”
10. We went to couples therapy, and the therapist said, “Why do you fight?” My husband replied, “I don’t fight; I just win discussions!”
11. I told my husband he should read the signs, especially road signs. He said, “Oh, don’t worry; they’re probably lying anyway!”
12. My wife asked me what I’d do if I won the lottery. I said, “I’d take you out for a fancy meal.” She replied, “Great! Now don’t forget to buy that ticket!”
13. I once asked my wife why she never made me breakfast in bed. She said, “Because you never made me a bed in the first place!”
14. When my wife asked me how many pairs of shoes I have, I said, “Let’s just say I’m quite ‘sole’-ful!”
15. I tried to surprise my wife by cleaning the house while she was out. She came back and said, “Wow, a miracle happened!” I said, “Nah, it was just a little elbow grease!”
16. My husband said, “If money can’t buy happiness, why do we have it?” I said, “Because we need to pay for all the coffee that keeps us awake during miserable times!”
17. My wife asked me what my strategy for our marriage was. I said, “To always agree on pizza toppings!”
18. When my husband asked if he should be concerned about the size of my shoe collection, I said, “Only if you’re worried about your chances of sneaking into my closet!”
19. I suggested my wife get a small tattoo that says “Property of…” and she said, “Only if it’s under your name!”
20. My husband said he’d take care of dinner. I said, “Let me guess, frozen pizza again?” He smiled and replied, “At least it won’t burn!”
21. My wife confronted me about never listening. I said, “What’s that, dear?” She replied, “Exactly!”
22. My husband said, “You’re the apple of my eye.” I said, “Well, I hope I taste good on a pie, too!”
23. I told my wife I joined a gym. She said, “Let me know when you want to lift weights!” I replied, “I only lift the remote!”
24. My husband said he wants more passion in our lives. I said, “Fine, let’s discuss the last couple’s Netflix show we binged together!”
25. A husband turned to his wife and said, “You’ve changed over the years.” She replied, “So have you, but I still love you the most!”
26. I asked my wife if she would like to go out for dinner. She said, “Sure, but only if you’re paying!” I replied cheekily, “Aren’t we married?”
27. My husband said he wanted to go on a diet. I said, “Good luck; my cooking is too delicious to lose weight to!”
28. My wife congratulated me on my cooking the other day. I said, “Well, it’s mostly trial and error!”
29. When I forgot our anniversary, my wife rolled her eyes and said, “Don’t worry; it’s only the tenth time this year!”
30. My husband suggested a romantic getaway. I replied, “A romantic nap? Count me in!”
Long Husband and Wife Stories
1. One morning, I woke up to the smell of cinnamon rolls. I looked over at my wife, who had found a new recipe online. She proudly placed the dish in front of me with a smile. I took a bite and exclaimed, “These are delicious!” She smiled even wider and said, “I’m just trying to make your mornings sweeter!” Then I looked at the roll and added, “Just not too sweet—unlike your attitude when I forget to put the toilet seat down!”
2. My husband and I decided to paint the living room together. After a few hours of painting and laughing, we realized we had accidentally painted the entire ceiling red instead of white! When I confronted my husband, he said, “At least we’ll be the first house on the block with a statement ceiling!” I shrugged and replied, “Great, now we can officially call it the ‘Fiery Escape’!”
3. For our anniversary, my husband surprised me with a travel guidebook. I flipped through the pages and gasped, “Are we going to Paris?” He grinned and said, “Nope, just staying here with you on the couch is the best trip I could ask for!” I rolled my eyes and replied, “You do realize that a trip to the couch doesn’t involve any flights?”
4. One evening, my wife and I were having a serious discussion about our future. She said, “I want a big house! Maybe with a swimming pool?” I thought for a second and replied, “Okay, as long as you’re prepared to pay for the water bill!” She smiled back at me, “Fine, where do you plan to live then? To infinity and beyond?”
5. My husband decided to join me at a yoga class. As I showed him how to stretch, he grumbled, “Why can’t we just stretch on the couch?” I said, “Because you can’t eat snacks during yoga, my dear!” He looked defeated and said, “Great, now you want me to stretch and stay hungry!”
6. While watching TV, I asked my wife, “What’s the most exciting thing you’ve ever done?” She thought for a moment and replied, “Marrying you!” I chuckled and said, “No, really! What was it?” She rolled her eyes and replied, “I just told you!”
7. After years of marriage, I’ve realized that my husband has a unique way of showing love. Whenever he comes home and sees the house is clean, he says, “Wow, it’s like I’m living with a cleaner now!” I shot back, “Well, it’s either that or housekeepers!”
8. Last weekend, my husband thought he’d surprise me by cooking dinner while I was out. When I got home, I asked, “What’s for dinner?” He proudly replied, “Pasta with mystery sauce!” I looked at him and said, “And how do we solve this mystery?” He shrugged and said, “It’s a surprise for a reason!”
9. My wife and I had decided to try out for a dance contest. However, during practice, my husband stepped on my foot repeatedly. I exclaimed, “I’m trying to dance here!” He replied, “I prefer a more relaxed dance style—one that involves less stepping on my toes!”
10. I once asked my wife to choose her favorite old movie for us to watch. She immediately picked a dramatic film. I asked, “Why that one?” She replied, “Because it reminds me of how we used to fight over petty details and make up in the best ways!”
11. One day, my husband suggested we start a garden together. I enthusiastically agreed, but it quickly turned into a competition as we attempted to out-grow each other’s plants. He said, “I’m getting very competitive!” I replied, “Can’t we just agree that both plants are under extreme pressure to survive?”
12. My wife told me she was upset I hadn’t taken her anywhere special in a while. I replied, “I take you to the store every week! Isn’t that special enough?” She just looked at me and said, “Well, the aisle for ice cream is quite breathtaking!”
13. When we started planning our vacation, my husband kept insisting on seeing every city. I finally said, “How about we just choose one?” He replied, “But if we only pick one, how will we be ‘world travelers’?” I thought for a moment and suggested, “By visiting the couch corner farthest from the fridge!”
14. I caught my husband trying on my shoes one day. I burst out laughing and asked, “Are you trying to step into my shoes?” He smirked and said, “No, I’m just testing to see if they’ll fit my new role in this house!”
15. After a particularly long day at work, I came home to find my wife making dinner. The smell was amazing, but she turned and said, “If you could get paid to eat, I think you’d be a billionaire!” I laughed and said, “Now that sounds like a plan for early retirement!”
16. My husband loves to tell dad jokes, and one evening he looked serious before saying, “I have a joke about pizza, but it’s just too cheesy!” I facepalmed and said, “You’re achingly predictable!”
17. During a board game night, my wife landed on my property and triumphantly said, “Looks like you owe me rent!” I smiled and replied, “Only if I can throw my strategy cards and make a ‘couple’s deal’ with you!”
18. When I decided to try a new hairstyle, my husband watched me with wide eyes. I turned and asked, “What do you think?” He replied, “I just hope the bedhead isn’t part of the deal!”
19. My wife announced she was going to take up painting. I said, “How about I start with some finger painting?” She laughed and replied, “Only if it’s on a canvas and not on our walls!”
20. Finally, after years of marriage, my husband and I have reached a point where we stop arguing over small things. The other day, he calmly said, “Let’s just agree that your opinion is the reigning one!” I replied, “Only if I get the last piece of cake!”