The Ultimate Drunk jokes Jokes Collection
Welcome to our comprehensive collection of Drunk jokes jokes. We’ve gathered over 80 jokes covering every aspect of Drunk jokes humor.
Short Drunk jokes Jokes
Why did the drunk bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
I’m not saying I’m a bad driver, but last time I was pulled over, the officer asked me if I could spell “beer.”
Why don’t drunks ever get locked out of their houses? Because they always leave the keys in the bottom of the bottle!
What do you call a drunk superhero? Captain Hangover!
I told my friend I was going to bed early tonight. She said, “You mean you’re going to bed, or you’re just looking for the end of the bottle?”
Why did the drunk sit on the floor? He wanted to get to the bottom of things!
If you ever get lost while drunk, just follow the sound of you tripping over things!
Drunk people are like WiFi signals… you can feel them nearby, but you never know how good they’ll be.
Why did the drinker bring string to the bar? So he could tie one on!
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? “Olive or twist?”
Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of beer? Luckily, it was a soft drink!
Why did the drunk refuse to play hide and seek? Because good luck hiding when everyone can hear you singing!
I’ve begun drinking coffee to stop my hangover. That’s why my mornings now come with a side of regret!
My friend said, “I’m going to get drunk from just beer.” I said, “Just beer? I usually get from other things too!”
Why did the skeleton go to the bar? Because he had no body to drink with!
What did the wine say to the drunk? “Stop whining!”
A drunk called a cab. When he got in, he turned around and asked the taxi driver, “What’s your emergency?”
Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? It ran out of juice after a wild night!
Did you hear about the guy who drank from a magic mug? He spilled it everywhere, but he felt fine about it!
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare-line after a wild night out!
Why do drunks make terrible detectives? Because they can never find their own clues!
What’s a drunk’s favorite game? Truth or drink!
Why don’t drunk people believe in love at first sight? Because they’re usually blind by the time they get to “first sight!”
How do you know if someone’s had too much to drink? Don’t worry. They’ll tell you within two minutes!
What do you call a musician who gets drunk? A “bar-itone.”
Two drunk guys walked into a bar—maybe it was a nightclub; either way, they didn’t find the exit!
Medium Drunk jokes Jokes
A woman walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we only serve drinks here.” She replies, “Then serve me whatever gets my husband up off the floor!”
A husband was sitting at a bar, lamenting how his wife left him for a man with a sports car. His friend said, “You’ve got to see the silver lining! Now you can drive a new car too!”
A drunk is being brought home by his buddy. When they step through the door, he turns to his friend and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” His friend, puzzled, asks, “Why tomorrow?” He grins and replies, “Because we’re going to need a whole new set of memories!”
After a wild night of drinking, Jerry wakes up in his own bed. He looks around and notices he’s wearing socks with sandals. Confused, he scratches his head and mutters, “Whatever happened to style?”
Fred, completely hammered at a wedding, walks up to the bride and says, “You look absolutely beautiful!” She replies, “Thanks, but I’m married to that guy over there!” He nods and says, “I’m just practicing. I’ll be available for a date after the reception!”
A drunk man enters a bar and shouts, “I bet I can drink more than you can in one go!” A woman sitting there shoots back, “Prove it!” The man starts pouring down shots while she downs her drink, and by the end, she says, “See, I told you!” He glares and replies, “No, you didn’t! I never said ‘who’ could drink more!”
Three friends are sitting at the bar discussing how they plan to die. The first one says, “I want to die peacefully in my sleep.” The second nods and says, “I want to die drunk at a bar.” The third shouts, “You guys are so boring! I just want to die from laughter, but I guess I’ll take the DRUNKing!”
A guy at the bar gestures to the bartender, “What can I get you?” The bartender smirks and answers, “A drink for everyone here except the guy in that corner!” “Why?” asks the man. The bartender replies, “Because he’s the reason I started this job three years ago!”
At a party, a guy challenges his friend to a game of beer pong. After several rounds, he’s slurring his words and accidentally throws a ball right into the neighbor’s yard. “Hey! Get your ball back!” he shouts, but the neighbor just waves and says, “Only if you promise not to come back for more!”
Jake meets a stunning woman at a bar and after several drinks, he proposes. The woman raises an eyebrow and asks, “Where’s the ring?” He grins and says, “Oh, I spent my money on drinks. Guess what? You’re going to get a GLOWING recommendation!”
During a bar quiz night, someone asks, “What’s the capital of the UK?” The drunk guy replies, “What’s the capital of ‘No, I’ve had too much to drink?”
A drunk man tried to sing karaoke, but every time he hit a high note, he’d lose his balance. By the end of the night, he ended the show saying, “If anyone asks, I was practicing my work-life balance!”
A guy stumbles into the bar, orders ten shots in a row, and says, “I’m celebrating!” When asked why, he replies, “I finally found a way to count all my regrets in one night!”
A woman walks up to a bartender and says, “I want something that looks expensive.” The bartender smiles and pours her a drink, saying, “This here is the ‘I’ve made terrible choices and still look fabulous’!”
Chris wakes up next to a mannequin after a night out. He spends an hour asking what went wrong until he finally gives up and declares, “At least you didn’t say no!”
A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender serves it and says, “One drink, one rule: You can’t start crying!” The man chuckles and replies, “Good thing my tears are stuck in my car!”
At a neighborhood party, one guy starts telling stories about alcohol while everyone silently judges him. Finally, someone pipes up: “You know, we didn’t invite you for this! We invited you for the nachos!”
Paul gets home late, and his wife says, “Where were you?” He replies, “I was at the bar practicing my perfect line! You know, one I might actually use if I was single!”
Long Drunk jokes Stories
It was a Friday night at Joe’s Pub, and a group of four friends decided they were going to drink until they forgot who they were. Mike, the initiator, challenged his friends to a “round of shots” each. The bartender raised an eyebrow, whispered, “Why not a round of ‘no regrets?’” Later that night, they stumbled outside, and Mike proclaimed, “Maybe we should start a band!” Next morning, they woke up with hangovers and a band name: The Regretful Four!
Tom and Jerry, two not-so-smart drunks, found themselves on a quest to create the ‘ultimate drink.’ They brewed together beer, milk, and some old soda from the fridge. Tom raised his glass, shouting, “To science!” After an hour, they passed out on the kitchen floor, pridefully planning their “world tour” of the worst drink ever, while the cat watched from a safe distance, judging their life choices.
After a long night, Kyle found himself kissing a woman outside of a bar. He whispered, “Let’s make it a nights to remember!” She giggled and replied, “More like it’s a ‘nights to forget!’” They woke up to their friends, laughing at their ‘epic’ fails from the night. They all agreed to change the ‘next’ night into a series of drink limits—so far, it had failed two weeks in a row.
During a wedding, drunk Uncle Bob decided to give a speech. Everyone braced themselves as he slurred, “On this joyous day, I’d like to announce… my last divorce!” He followed up with a song nobody knew. Halfway through, he accidentally knocked over the wedding cake but managed to turn that into a dance-off with the bride. “A cake in the face is a sign of love!” he cheered, grinning. They still talk about that wedding twenty years later.
Cece, always the life of the party, started her drunken birthday toast with, “I want to thank you all for suffering through my entire life!” It escalated when she promised to take them all on a trip somewhere they’d never forget. After multiple drinks, she accidentally booked tickets to a local bar’s disastrous karaoke night instead of Mexico. They sang their hearts out—badly, of course, but they called it a night well spent!
In a crowded bar, John met a beautiful woman and was trying to impress her by showing how many shots he could take. He leaned over and bragged, “I’m a professional drinker!” But after six shots, he realized he could no longer stand up. Reeling, he leaned in to kiss her but ended up kissing the barstool instead. The woman burst out laughing, becoming his first date failure turned hilarious story—and the best part? She was still willing to hang out after!
George and leaning into the wall during a night out whispering secrets. After a few rounds, George stood up, clearly feeling heroic with every slurred word. “I’m going to climb that streetlamp,” he announced, pointing dramatically. As he climbed, the crowd cheered until he realized, “I’ve forgotten to bring my courage!” He slipped down in style, only to gracefully twist in the air to land safely on the ground. He stood proud and said, “I hear laughter is the best medicine; someone buy me another round!”
At a costume party, Max decided he wanted to dress up as ‘Jack Daniels’ and completely overloaded on whiskey shots. By 11 PM, he was so sloshed that he took his costume seriously and began handing out ‘prescriptions’ for ‘cure’ hangovers but only gave out complimentary bites of chips. The cops arrived to shut down the party; however, they found Max in the corner trying to recite Shakespeare—his buddy shouted, “Look! It’s transcending entertainment!”
One night, Sue confidently walked up to the karaoke machine, insisting she could sing any song. She belted out a tune while her friends cheered. Midway, she tripped, fell, and the mic hit her in a completely off-key note. Instead of stopping, she incorporated the mishap into her song, creating an entirely new version of “Oops, I did it again.” From there, the crowd started chanting, “Encore!” And she chirped, “Oh boy, it gets better every time!”
Patty and Lila headed out for ladies’ night, hoping for free drinks and fun. As drinks flowed and inhibitions diminished, Patty began to loudly boast about her dance skills. Lila, too drunk to care, spun her around, yelling, “Let’s show them who the real queens are!” They knocked over tables, launched themselves onto the dance floor, and made every person in the bar burst into laughter as they slid across the floor, adding slapstick to their drunken night. They called it the ‘best way to trip spectacularly’ into people’s hearts.
Notoriously drunk Dave attended a house party that started off calm. He suddenly challenged everyone to a drinking contest—whoever could finish first would win a pizza. What he didn’t realize was that the groups had begun to wager outrageous bets. He slurped his drink while everyone held their breath. Eventually, he lost the contest and his dignity when he shouted, “Who needs pizza? We’re getting tacos instead!” They walked out on a taco run, where even the food trucks were captivated by his charm. They coined it the ‘Taco Adventure’ in the neighborhood.
Last weekend, Lou went to a bar alone and came out thinking he could cook gourmet dinners. A little too boozed-up, he invited everyone over for ‘rich cuisine’ the next day. When friends arrived, they found him bewildered between finding cilantro or asking if ramen noodles counted. In a pressure cooking frenzy, he eventually tossed in a bunch of random ingredients, and to everyone’s surprise, it turned out edible. That night became known as his ‘Masters of Disaster’ dinner gathering as friends laughed until they cried!